Nonviolent Communication: The Art of Making Yourself Understood Without Hurting

How many conflicts in your life started with a misunderstanding? How many times have you felt your words were twisted, or that someone else’s words came across as an attack, even without that intention? At the heart of these disconnections is a skill that goes far beyond “being a good talker”: Nonviolent Communication (NVC). Created by psychologist Marshall Rosenberg, NVC is not a technique for winning debates or convincing others. It is a practical philosophy of communication that seeks to create genuine connection and resolve conflicts in a way where all parties leave with their needs respected. Instead of using language as a weapon—to judge, criticize, demand, or blame—NVC transforms it into a bridge. A bridge built on honest observation, the vulnerable expression of feelings, the recognition of universal human needs, and the formulation of clear, feasible requests. This article is an invitation for you to discover that it is possible to express even the most intense anger, say “no” firmly, and listen to criticism without becoming defensive—all in a way that strengthens, rather than destroys, relationships.

🧭 This content is part of our series on Loneliness, Bonds & Community: The Reconnection Guide. 👈 (click here)
Genuine connections are the antechamber of healing: you were not made to face life alone.

The Four Pillars of NVC: The Map for a Constructive Conversation

Nonviolent Communication is structured around four simple components, which act as a guide to transform a difficult conversation into a productive dialogue. They are typically expressed in the form of a sentence that follows this sequence:

“When I see/hear [OBSERVATION], I feel [FEELING] because I have a need for [NEED]. Would you be willing to [CLEAR REQUEST]?”

Let’s unpack each of these pillars:

1. Observation (The Facts, No Additives): This is the most challenging step. It’s about describing the situation as a camera would film it, without mixing in judgments, evaluations, or interpretations. Instead of saying “You are irresponsible” (judgment), the observation would be: “You arrived 40 minutes after the time we agreed on.” Instead of “You never listen to me” (generalization/judgment), it would be: “The last three times I talked about my day, you picked up your phone.” Pure observation creates a common ground of reality where there is nothing to argue about.
2. Feeling (The Doorway to Vulnerability): Here, we express how the observation affects us emotionally. The key is to use a real vocabulary of feelings (“I feel frustrated, hurt, worried, hopeful, joyful”) and to take responsibility for them. We avoid phrases like “You made me feel…” which transfer blame. We say: “I feel disrespected and anxious.” This requires courage, as it puts us in a vulnerable position, but it is this vulnerability that invites the other person to understand us, not to defend themselves.
3. Need (The Root of Everything): Behind every feeling, there is a universal human need that is being met or not. Anger may signal an unmet need for respect; sadness, a need for connection; frustration, a need for efficiency. Identifying and naming the need takes the focus off the person and places it on what is truly important: “Because I need trust and consideration in our agreement.” When we express needs (and not specific strategies), we open up a range of possibilities for meeting them.
4. Request (The Concrete Action Forward): Finally, we make a clear, positive, concrete, and doable request in the present. A request, not a disguised demand. Instead of a vague “I want you to respect me more,” an NVC request would be: “Would you be willing to text me if you realize you’re going to be more than 10 minutes late?” The word “willing” is crucial, as it gives the other person genuine freedom to say yes or no, which preserves connection and authenticity.

The Language that Separates vs. The Language that Connects: From “You Are” to “I Feel”

Violent communication (even if not intentionally aggressive) is full of judgments, criticisms, comparisons, and diagnoses. It uses a static language of “being” that labels the person:

• “You are selfish.” (Judgment)
• “Your room is a pigsty.” (Criticism)
• “You’re just like your father.” (Comparison)
• “That’s because you don’t care.” (Diagnosis)

This type of language automatically generates defensiveness, resistance, and counterattack. The person feels attacked in their identity, and the only possible response is to protect themselves.

Nonviolent Communication, on the other hand, uses a dynamic language of “doing” and “feeling”. It describes specific actions and their impacts on us:

• “When you ate the last slice of cake without asking (observation), I felt disregarded (feeling), because I had an expectation that we would share it (need). Next time, could you ask me first? (request)”

This shift from “you are the problem” to “this specific action affected me this way” takes the blame out of the center of the conversation and puts the focus on impact and solution. It stops being a judgment about the other person’s character and becomes an honest sharing of your experience.

Empathic Listening: The Other (and Harder) Side of the Coin

NVC is not only for speaking, but perhaps primarily for listening. Empathic listening is the ability to listen beyond the other person’s words, seeking to identify the four components (observation, feeling, need, request) behind what they are expressing, even when they use violent language.

When someone yells “You’re unbearable!”, empathic listening does not hear the attack. It tries to guess: “Is he feeling frustrated because he needs more space/silence/consideration?”. Then, it can offer a compassionate guess: “Are you frustrated because you need a moment of silence right now?”.

This listening disarms the conflict. Instead of reacting to the attack (“I’m not unbearable, you’re the annoying one!”), you connect with the other person’s unexpressed pain or need. This often causes the intensity to drop immediately because the person finally feels heard and understood on a deep level.

Practical Exercise: The Difficult Conversation Lab

This exercise was created for you to practice the four pillars of NVC in a safe and structured way, before having a real challenging conversation. Use it to prepare, clarify your thoughts, and practice formulation.

Objective: To plan and mentally practice a difficult conversation using the NVC structure, transforming confused complaints into clear, connective communication.

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Materials: Pen, paper, and a quiet place to reflect.

Step 1 – Identify the Situation (The Scenario):
Think of a recent or recurring situation that caused discomfort in a relationship (with a partner, family member, friend, colleague). Something you avoided talking about or that always turns into an argument. Write it in a simple sentence: “The situation is about ________.”

Step 2 – Clean Up the Observation (Separate Facts from Your Story):
Describe the situation as a neutral reporter would. Write down only what you saw or heard, without adding interpretation.

• Ask yourself: What happened concretely? When? Where? What was said or done, word for word or action by action?
• Write your PURE OBSERVATION: “When I see/hear ________.”

Step 3 – Navigate Your Inner World (Feelings & Needs):
Now, dive into the impact this observation has on you. This requires a moment of honest introspection.

• Feelings Box: List 3 to 5 feelings that arise when you think about this situation. Use words that describe emotions, not thoughts. (E.g., hurt, irritated, disappointed, insecure, lonely – instead of “I think he doesn’t care”).
• Needs Excavation: For EACH feeling listed, ask yourself: “What do I need or value that is not being met here?” Look for universal human needs: respect, trust, autonomy, support, connection, fun, order. Write: “I feel [FEELING] because I need/value [NEED].”

Step 4 – Formulate Constructive Requests (From Generic to Specific):
Stop and think: what could be done to meet the need you identified? Remember: a request is something the other person can do, not something they must be.

• Action Brainstorm: List 3 possible concrete actions the other person could take that would help meet your need. Be specific.
• Choose and Formulate the NVC REQUEST: Choose the most viable and positive action. Formulate it as a genuine request, in the present, starting with “Would you be willing to…?”
• Ready Example: “Would you be willing to agree to put our phones aside during dinner?”

Step 5 – Practice Empathic Listening (Turning the Tables):
Now, practice the more challenging side: trying to understand the other person. Even if you disagree.

• Put Yourself in Their Shoes: Imagine what the other person’s OBSERVATION, FEELING, and NEED might be in the same situation. What might they be seeing, feeling, and needing?
• Write an “Empathic Guess”: Formulate a phrase you could say to show you’re trying to understand them: “From what I’m understanding, when I [my action], you feel [their feeling] because you need [their need]. Is that it?”

Step 6 – Mental Rehearsal and Commitment:
Read your entire assembled NVC sentence out loud, from start to finish: “When [observation], I feel [feeling] because I need [need]. Would you be willing to [request]?” Feel the tone of voice. Practice a few times. Finally, set an appropriate time to have this conversation and note it down. Preparation reduces anxiety and increases the chances of success.

What about you? Which of the four pillars of NVC (Observation, Feeling, Need, or Request) do you find most difficult to put into practice in your daily life? Share your reflection in the comments!

To delve deeper, check out these references:

1. Rosenberg, M. B. (2003). Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. Puddledancer Press. The founding book of NVC, written by its creator, Marshall Rosenberg. It offers the complete explanation of the philosophy, the four components, and dozens of practical examples for applying nonviolent communication in personal and professional relationships.
2. Sears, R. W. (2010). Mindfulness in Clinical Practice. Professional Resource Press. (Chapter on therapeutic communication). Although focused on clinical practice, this book solidly connects mindfulness practices to the ability to observe without judgment and to respond (instead of react), skills fundamental to the first step (Observation) and to Empathic Listening in NVC.
3. Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books. Gottman’s research on couples identified that criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling (which he calls “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”) are predictors of divorce. NVC offers practical antidotes to each of these destructive patterns, scientifically validating its usefulness for relationship health.

Communicating with empathy strengthens bonds. But what happens when a bond is broken by absence? To understand the pain that remains, proceed to Saudade – Between the Pain of Absence and the Beauty of Affection.

Relationship dynamics are complex. For an integrated view on loneliness, bonds, and the strength of community, visit our guide: Loneliness, Bonds & Community: The Reconnection Guide.